Once again, it’s time to talk about this recurring issue that troubles our communities and in our schools, and that is a concern of all parents: bullying.
It’s sad and unusual that, with so much information and awareness, bullying “is still a thing” and we still need to talk about it. And we should always look at it astonished – after all, normalizing this behavior is the worst thing for solving it!
As parents, it’s normal to feel outraged and somewhat powerless when hearing that our kids are being harassed. After all, protecting them while still giving them room to discover the world is one of the biggest challenges of parenthood.
But there’s a way you can match those two things and help our kids solve this issue at their own pace! In this article, we’ll talk about 3 things all parents can do to ally with our kids and help them prevent, face and solve bullying.
#1 Keep an open line of communication
When we grow older, it’s easy to forget what it was like being a kid. But try and remember how often you’d talk with your parents about the problems you were facing in school. Talking about bullying is hard, and that’s the first barrier we must overcome in order to solve it.
Most times, kids are hesitant about talking with their parents about bullying. Often, they’re embarrassed about the situation, either because they feel like it’s their fault – because they look or act a certain way -, because they couldn’t fend for themselves at a certain moment or simply because nobody likes to be seen as a victim, no matter the age.
Other times, they’re afraid of your reaction. It’s possible that your kid is worried you’ll get angry (with them or with the situation) and aggravate things with the bullies. It’s also possible that they fear you won’t believe them, be dismissive or that you’ll want them to fight back – when they simply don’t feel that it’s possible.
Whatever the case, when your kids tell you they’re facing bullying, see this like the BIG DEAL that it actually is!
Listen to them CALMLY and SUPPORT them afterwards. They’re being incredibly brave by opening up, and you should let them know that you appreciate it. Remind them that they’re not alone in this, and that it is none of their fault! And reassure your kids that you’ll find the solution together.
And at this point, you should also reward their trust in you by trusting them: if they tell you things will get worse if the bully learns they’re talking, it probably will. We must be smart at our next moves.
Don’t wait
You don’t need to wait until your kids tell you to find out they’re facing bullying, especially with younger kids. Despite the cliche, asking them how things are at school and what’s their social situation with the other kids will HELP in identifying a problem – maybe even before it becomes a problem.
Another sine of bullying that you should check for – beyond bruises and complaints about aches – is a sudden anxiety with normal, daily routine situations, like getting the bus or going to school.
Read more: Discover the origins of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
#2 Fortify your kid
No, we don’t mean it in the sense of “take your kids to the GYM to powerlift and learn one thing or two about finalizing an opponent”. Although it may make it harder for bullies to aim at your kids, things are usually more complicated than that.
Self-confidence and balance – and not muscle mass – are some of bullying’s worst enemies. And while building-up kids’ empowerment is an incremental and long-term process, there are some things you can do to help dealing with (or preventing) an immediate problem.
Encouraging your kids to pursue their interests and incentivizing them to join group activities are great ways to start or reinforce this confidence-building process. But, especially with younger kids, there are other ways you can help them prevent or fight bullying.
Talking to them about bullying beforehand is always a good way to start preparing them to face this issue. Explain to them what bullying is and how to identify this behavior in their interactions with their pears. Reiterate that bullying says less about their personalities than it does about the bully’s.
It’s also important to remember that bullying is, to some degree, a result of the specific group’s culture. So, in order to solve this issue in its roots, it’s essential to stop the “herd” effect that sometimes involves bullying. Give your kids the tools they need to avoid that sort of “mob mentality”, when the other children – afraid of being targeted themselves – abandon the victim.
Role-playing different scenarios will also help prepare your kids for those uncomfortable scenarios. Practice phrases that they could use to disarm the bully and disencourage bullying behavior, without escalating things or aggravating the potential aggressor.
Like we’ve talked about before in this blog, aggressors are usually pretty good at choosing targets who they deem unable to defend themselves or unlikely to fight back. And with bullies is no different. So, the way your kids look and are perceived it’s usually more important than what they say.
That’s why it’s important to teach your kids to speak in a strong and firm voice when facing an uncomfortable or hostile interaction with other children. Promoting positive body language it’s also essential.
A good trick for that is asking your kids to practice looking at the color of their friend’s eyes, and to do the same thing when talking with the children who’s bothering them. This will condition them to (quite literally) hold their heads high, appearing more confident.
And if your kids are already facing bullying, praise progress! When they tell you they diffused or deflected a harasser, show them you’re proud. And praise other examples of that, in real life or in the media.
Quick tips you can give your children
- Don’t let the bully make you feel bad about how you look or act. When provoked by a harasser, remind yourself about your positive attributes.
- In a firm and assertive voice, tell the bully how you feel and what you want him to do.
- Don’t reward the bully with tears.
- Use humor to disarm the harasser.
- Follow your instincts and use your best judgment. If you think a fight it’s not worth fighting, it’s likely that you’re right.
- Don’t expect to be mistreated. Hostility is not the standard way to interact with other children. Be nice to the other kids and presume they’ll be nice to you.
Read more: How does Jiu Jitsu helps fight bullying
#3 Find allies
Numbers matter. If your kids are facing bullying, a good strategy for them to discourage the harasser is for them to make a “deal” with their friends, right? “If you stick up for me, I’ll stick up for you”. The most effective way to solve the issue of bullying is for bystanders to step in and intervene.
Well, the same logic stands for the APPROACH you should have on dealing with the bullying your kids are facing. After all, bullying is an issue that impacts the children, but it’s a matter for the whole community.
If your kids are hesitant about reporting the bullying they’re witnessing or facing, you should take the vanguard and go with them to talk to teachers, counselors and school administration. Learn about the school’s policy on dealing with bullying, keep records and follow up with the school to understand what actions are being taken.
Encourage the school to talk about bullying with the students, if that’s still not in place. Educating children against bullying from the early grades is the most effective way to start a more comprehensive solution for this issue.
By alerting teachers about the problem your kids are facing, you’ll make sure that adults are keeping an eye on the situation when and where you can’t. And, while talking directly with the bully’s parents should not be your first step, if the problem is persisting or escalating, you should contact the other kid’s family. However, meet them in the school where a school official can mediate.
And, like we’ve talked about before, you don’t need to stop there: bullying is an issue for the whole community. Talk to the other parents in the school and with therapists and officials outside the school. In other words: take advantage of the community resources to help fight bullying!
Schedule a free trial class and discover how Brazilian Jiu Jitsu can help your child become more confident and disciplined.